Despite what a lot of people, myself included, may think, there are many times when my life feels variously tragic, and almost entirely unsuccessful. Is this my shit? My addiction making an effort to rear it’s ugly head, and convince me that life isn’t worth living, especially without the drugs to numb my pain? Perhaps it is. There is also a perspective forming within me, that my life in recent years has been a tragic succession of getting fucked over in every single relationship I have. The sad part is that most people that I talk to, including the most significant people in my life, don’t disagree when I share that I feel like I get far less than what I put into every single relationship. Bottom line for now, is that I’m angry about this. I am tired of it. It’s time for me to get mine, is the thought that runs through my mind. Then I have to stop myself, because this is the exact basis, on which I have been taught, I cannot live. Not anymore. But it’s happening. I’ve trusted in this process, and I am beginning to feel as though it is turning on me. The promises are no longer proving to be coming true.
More and more these days I worry that everything I am doing is just another in a long series of mistakes. On the very night of my graduation from high school, I was out partying. I came home that morning at about 6:30 am, still hammered, and leaning over the porcelain G-d, spewing the remains of my stomach into the abyss.
One thing that happened that night I remember well. Erin (I will leave it at that for her anonymity’s sake) read my Tarot cards. I never had them read again, and I am not even close to 100% sold on the validity of these things, but I do believe there may be something to them. She told me that I was going to be really successful, but that something or someone was really going to fuck me up along the way. For a while I thought that someone might be ME. It still may be. After all, among the things that getting clean has taught me, it is that my problems are of my own making. In other words, I can point my fingers wherever I want, but in the end, I have to take full responsibility for everything that happens to me. This is different from accountability. There are certainly things that people can and will do to me, which renders me helpless in terms of my inability to control others. On the other hand, taking responsibility means that what I do about it, and how I react to it is 150% up to me.
Thank G-d I have a way of life which can answer all of my problems. The simple solution at times like this? I need to get to more meetings and work with others. Especially the working with others part.
And now, I have to get back to work. Speaking of which, here is my perspective. My focus MUST be on those who are actually paying me for my efforts. They come first. Then I can do the other stuff, that may be fun, but as long as it’s for free, they take second chair to the paying stuff.