That’s what they told me. Over and over again, I was told I have to give and keep on giving. They said this would make me a whole person. They said that this would help me build myself esteem. They told me that if I changed my whole way of living, on the very basis of going from selfish to selfless, that all would be well.
This has been true, for the most part. Lately I’ve been experiencing something different. Lately I’ve been experiencing a new brand of resentment. It may surprise some of you to know that most of the time I am actually feeling pretty lonely. I’ve been plagued by this, for a very long time. Why? How is this possible? I have people constantly reaching out to me for help. I’ve done exactly what they told me to do. How could I possibly be lonely?
What I realize now, is that there is another side to this. A side THEY didn’t prepare me for. When you spend your whole entire life developing, and preparing to help others, whom do you go to for help? When you carry yourself with such confidence, because that’s what you’re feeling as the result of constantly helping others, whom do you go to for help when you need it? Why would people think they had anything to offer you, when you’re the one people go to for help and answers?
Where this process fails me, is that it is difficult for me to make a real connection with people, because the relationship is too one sided. I realize that in almost every single relationship I have, I am putting way more in, than what I get out of it. And THAT is causing a resentment on a very deep level.
If I’m quiet, it’s probably because I am struggling. I’m struggling with people turning their backs on me. I’m struggling with people who act one way in one setting, and in another, they are a completely different person, whom I barely recognize. People change the rules based on what suits them. You can’t work with this person, but now that my company (or it’s successor) is working with this person, you need to be ok with it. If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s insincerity. Disingenuity. It makes me want to tell everyone, “go fuck yourself!”
“This is different,” they tell me.
You know how many times I said that as I took the next hit?
Lack of power is my dilemma. I can’t control other people. Other people will do what they need to do, and unfortunately in most cases, it will be based on what suits them at the time. It has nothing to do with me.
I wonder what would happen, if I suddenly turned back to my old selfish, self? Wait. Scratch that. I know exactly what would happen. I’d be back on my knees in no time, begging g-d for mercy once again.
I have to be the bigger person. On many levels, I have to suck it up, and remember that it isn’t about what I am getting back. It’s about what I’m giving. At a certain point, when a relationship yields 0% it is just time to move on.
I DO have people I go to for help. My therapist guided me there last Friday, as I sat in his office, struggling with everything I had, to hold back the tears. I told him that in every relationship I can think of, I put way more in than what I get back. He asked me to think about whom I CAN go to for help. The answer was immediate. I know who. I called him last night, and wednesday I’m meeting him for dinner, then we’ll head to a meeting.
Times like this, I have to flip the script, and instead of offering help, I need to ask for it. It needs to be with people whom I trust, to offer it, free of judgment, and without being overbearing. There may be two people in my life who fit this mold. I know who they are, and I just need to reach out to them and ask for help, like so many people do with me.