This was a designation usually given to the most gothic kid in the senior class of my high school. That was not me. There were days when I might have looked the part or something close to it and I was definitely drawn to that crowd, but never really part of it. I used to love to hang out at a club called Paris NY which was where all of the “gothic” kids hung out, but I was still never completely “in”. So even as far as the “typical” most unique kids went, I was apparently still unique.

The truth is by the time I graduated from high school I had gone through so many transformations I didn’t know who I was. I just knew I liked the idea of being different. I liked the idea that I walked to the beat of my own drum! People used to compliment me on being a rare young man in that I did not care what others thought. Truth is nothing could have been further from the truth. I was actually obsessed with what others thought. I was also convinced I would never be accepted by any group as I was so I went out of my way to be different. This got me a lot of attention and as it turns out I really liked that. I really didn’t fit in with any crowd. Looking at all the stereo types. I wasn’t a Jock. I wasn’t a nerd, although looking back now if I had to say where I would have fit in best, it probably would have been there. At least I think that is where I would have felt most at home and where I would have been able to be the most true to who I really am at heart. Instead I put up a big facade. So most people who knew me then and especially those who know me today assure me I am anything but a Nerd, but I know better. Deep down inside that is exactly what I am. I love to learn things – especially things that require above average intelligence and the reality is that by and large, people scare me. They really do!

There were times in my life when you might have put me very obviously into any one of the typical stereo type groups – Jocks, Nerds, Dirtbag, Burn-out, hippy, surfer, preppie, JAP (Jewish American Prince). You name it and I was probably it for at least a short period of time. This is because I really didn’t know where to go. All of this landed me a high school superlative. Most Unique. Was I really that unique? I don’t think so. Truth is I wanted the same thing every kid wanted. To feel like I belonged and to feel like I had people in my life who cared about me, what I thought, and what I had to say? Did I have that? I’m sure I did but I am equally sure I was blind to it.

So here I am at age 40 writing about it. Missed my 10 year reunion because I was in rehab. Missed my 20 year because I was and still am busy building a company. Nerd Enterprises, Inc. I finally came home so to speak. My goal is to be flying to my 30 year in a private jet

I was in sleep away camp for the first time. I wasn’t the most popular kid and I wasn’t the least. It was the year going into the 9^th grade and I had just left a private school where popularity was a deep struggle I had failed to feel successful in. Never before had I surfed or been on a surfboard but there were no other activities left when I went to sign up one week so I took sail boarding lessons (or windsurfing). The counselor who taught it was a really nice guy named Andy with one of those really cool British accents. You just wanted to hear him talk all day. What I really liked about him was that he didn’t seem to judge me (or anyone) even though I was terrible at something he excelled at. The first session I remember we didn’t even get to put the sail on the board. It was all about learning simply to balance on the board.

At some point we did get up on the sail and I will never forget the feeling that came the first time that I was able to catch the wind and get some momentum going across that lake. All of a sudden nothing else mattered! It didn’t matter that the girl I really liked wasn’t into me. It didn’t matter that the guys in the older bunks seemed to want to kick my ass although I never had any idea why. Nothing mattered other than the fact that I felt this intense freedom from sailing across the lake with nothing around me but me, the wind, the sailboard and Andy eventually calling me to come back in because our time was up! As I write this I realize I need to get out and do this again! What an amazing rush it is!

So at the end of the summer we would always have “Color Wars”. The camp was divided into two or four teams each with a different color and we would engage in many competitions. Including a sail boarding race. Since I had been doing it all summer I was assigned to that team. The rest of this story I swear is a true story and I think you will agree it is like something out of one of those after school specials that we used to watch as kids. I was up against the ONE guy who was know for being an amazing sailboarder. He had experience over me and he had strength and endurance over me. In most people’s minds as well as based on what they said to me I had absolutely no chance at beating this guy. I don’t remember for sure what I was thinking going into this. Probably the same, but something happened along the say. There was an offshore wind that day. This means that the wind was blowing from behind us out into the water. The race was simple. You had to sail out all the way to a buoy and then come back in. Getting out was not a problem because the wind was in our favor, but coming back in would be the real challenge. You had to traverse to get back in. This meant you had to go side to side. My competitor reached the bouy in ½ the time it took me. It seemed clear that everyone was right. There was no way I had this guy. Then it hit me. The exact inspiration I needed to win. He was using his assets – his strength, experience, and endurance to win and it was working. I had to capitalize on my assets. I couldn’t beat him on HIS strengths so I had to beat him on MY strengths. My brains – my ability to think creatively on the spot and act accordingly. So I got to the buoy and was caught up with him because he was struggling to go against the wind. I realized that all I had to do was take one long stride sideways and all the way away from the end point. Positioned right it would just be one long stride all the way in. The traversing was slowing him down and he was pivoting and falling into the water. I had nothing to lose really since I was the underdog anyway. Maybe this was why I was able to relax and think. So I did it and I can remember the people on shore yelling out to me “what are you doing?! You’re going the wrong way?!” that is until I got far enough out, did my turn and headed straight in. I could hear the noise from my team turn from disappointment to excitement. As they saw me zooming in at top speed almost sideways right toward the goal. I was victorious and ecstatic. King for a day. Even the girl who I had the hugest crush on and who pretended to like me for a minute only so that she could tell me off for being an arrogant ass came over to me and apologized for the things she had said to me as we were walking up from the lake at the end of that day.

A while back I read something on my friend Aaron Rashkin’s blog about working out. He said that no matter what he is there at the gym 6 days/week. So I have made it my goal to get to the gym 6 days a week. I haven’t reached that one yet, but I can tell you that I am well on my way. I was there 4 days this week and tomorrow I have an appointment with a trainer so that will make 5. Aaron talked about the fact that even if he is exhausted he is still there. The intensity may be low if he is tired once in a while, but he is still there no matter what.

So adding on to what Aaron said I want to make sure I am there no matter what and then once I am there I want to focus on having the greatest possible intensity that I can have. This is where I reached a goal just today. The first part of my workout every time I am at the gym is a 28 minute cardio workout on the elliptical, Precor machine, or treadmill. Usually the elliptical. I just like it. I always set the settings to show me the # of strides/minute. If intensity is what I am going for then the total # of strides is meaningless and so is the total distance. All I care about is strides per minute. The other thing I have been focused on is the # of calories burned off. It follows obviously that the greater the intensity the more calories I will burn. I don’t care how accurate the # of calories is in fact. It is just a measuring stick. For a while now I have been doing between 140 and 150 strides per minute and coming in somewhere in between 400 and 485 calories. So I have had it as my goal to hit 500 calories. Today I hit 500 calories for the first time. The way I did it was by starting with the end result of 500 calories and working backwards. So if 140 strides/minute was getting me close to my goal (and it was – more and more frequently I was hitting 480 calories) then if I could just increase the intensity so that I was over 150 strides per minute I could probably do it. Then based on what I am presently reading as well as a ton of other literature I have read I know that I have to actually see myself reaching the goal. I have to see the 500 number on the display. So I went to work this morning visualizing that I had already reached that goal. I did this on Wednesday morning and I hit 490, so I knew this goal could be reached. I just had to increase the intensity. This morning I was not only consistently over 150 strides/minute I was getting close at times to 160 strides per minute. Just as I was finished the readout showed 503 calories. Here’s the most amazing part of it all. My achievement did not go unnoticed. The guy on the machine next to me tapped me on the shoulder. I had to remove my headset and ask him to repeat himself. He said,

“That’s a hell of a workout” as he nodded in the direction of my display. When I realized what he said I was so charged up that I couldn’t help myself. I of course thanked him and immediately explained that for some time now my goal has been to reach 500 calories. I tapped right on the number on the display, looked at the guy and said,

“This is the first time I’ve reached my goal”

So now I have a new fitness goal. To consistently be at 160 strides/minute. I don’t know what the goal is yet in terms of calories. Certainly to keep it at 500+.

The question here is what really made the difference today. Besides the technical monitoring of the strides/minute. The answer is explained in a newsletter I happened to publish literally the minute before I headed out to go to the gym.

THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES!

Every business has to take inventory.

But what do you mean Seth? I don’t have any products, so what am I inventorying?

My answer is everything. Inventory the clients, the staff, our systems. Taking an inventory doesn’t just mean “counting” something. It means taking a good look at what I “have” and then determining what still has value so I can retire anything that no longer does have value. If I find a staff member for example doesn’t have value because they aren’t productive then I may want to take a look at that. Give that staff member a review. Some constructive feedback and let them know that I am looking for some improvement. Better yet without insulting or hurting that person’s feelings I can offer them additional training – adding value to an existing asset is always better than replacing it when that is a practical option.  Let them know that I am genuinely interested in seeing them succeed, and I should be interested in seeing them succeed because if my employees and colleagues succeed then I succeed and if I helped them, then I will have a loyal dedicated employee. If I offer that employee free help and training and they resist, well then it’s pretty clear where that relationship is heading.

So I inventory my relationships. I do this in my personal life all of the time. How many of us know people who bring us down whenever we see them. After a while it becomes painfully apparent that they will bring me down long before I can bring them up. Do I want to be around this person? In my experience I am better off not. If an employee is constantly complaining about their job they should be encouraged to move on. They are bringing down the value of my company because other employees who may really enjoy being here will be brought down by this.

Criticism is never constructive, only solutions are

If you have a co-worker who is constantly complaining about the company you both work for and you enjoy working there are they not ruining your experience? 99% of the time the person complaining  is not “exposing the truth” as much as they are very simply creating a negative environment for people who otherwise enjoy a positive one. So take inventory of your relationships. I have written much about keeping a keen focus on whom I choose to surround myself with. When I find a person is negative I keep my distance from them. They will ruin my experience every/any time I let them in.

Anything done like this is always better done in the written form. When you put together a budget that is a financial inventory – looking at what you have coming in and making sure it is enough to cover what has to go out. Well we don’t just “think” about a budget, it has to be written down (or otherwise done in a spreadsheet). So it follows that any inventory we do should be written. This makes us accountable and it gives us something to study, rather than just think about. We want to have an experience with this. A positive one. And it will be positive because we are doing this so that we can grow. that’s what makes it exciting.

Write out a paragraph describing the picture of what you want your life to look like, but write it in terms of being the present picture. Here’s an excerpt from mine to give you an example:

I am in great shape. I have the look and strength of Atlas. I am surrounded by feelings of gratitude and contentment. Everyone around me is happy with me and what I can do for them. I am a beacon of “service light” constantly striving to help others. This is what maintains me at all times. Thank You G-d for everything you have given me, for all that you have taken away and for everything you have left behind.

Daily I am writing and recording tutorials, free and paid. I am bringing in a ton of advertising revenue and I have my first book written which is selling like hot cakes and earning me speaking engagements where I can get the opportunity to inspire others.

I have been reading mine every day. Make sure that what you write inspires a feeling within you. When I read the part about having the strength of Atlas I visualize an image of atlas that causes me to actually feel something – I get excited about the idea of being in great shape. If you don’t write something that inspires a feeling within you when you read it then keep working on it. The whole key is to feel an emotion when you read it, and make sure you are visualizing an image in your mind while you are reading it back to yourself. That image will often be the thing that actually inspires you while you are reading.

When you get a chance, feel free to share yours here or directly with me via e-mail

When I was a kid I had this great shirt that showed this crowd of people walking and one head stuck out way above the others and said “SAY SOMETHING!”. We live in the age of information which like it or not depends heavily on the written and spoken word. More and more it is going towards video and quite frankly if you don’t have something to say you are going to be missed! Like many of us I frequently find myself reconnecting with people on Facebook and other sites, but most of the “reconnecting” happens on Facebook. I was shocked and amazed in one case to find that one person just didn’t have anything to say. Clearly the person had no interest in me, didn’t even so much as ask what had been going on in my life since the age of 16, now almost 40. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect everybody to be so consumed with wonder about my life, but you’d figure after I’d asked, the basics would be forthcoming, right? So what have you been up to?… I got nothing. So then I said , OK maybe this person really just has no interest in me. Now I was really curious because it didn’t make sense. I knew this girl as a vibrant, happy, giddy, energetic kid and everything on the surface now seemed to suggest the same. Then I saw her wall posts. The things people posted and her responses. It was like a wall full of those awkward moments when one person is desperately trying to stimulate conversation and the other is giving short answers seemingly completely uninterested in the conversation.

My thoughts immediately turned to my wife. How grateful I am to have found an extremely intelligent woman HIGHLY capable of carrying on a conversation and actually interested in it. To be interested in people and life is to be engaged in it. This is how we participate in life. Otherwise you are just a spectator. Or you are so consumed with self that it doesn’t even occur to you to become or even pretend to be interested in others. What a boring person that makes for. It makes a person interesting when they themselves are interested. Being beautiful and talented is fucking boring when you are uninterested and seemingly apathetic. Sorry I had to get that out

I am picking on one person because of recent events, but the truth is I see this all the time. Maybe it’s me but it seems so difficult to get people to engage, and then when many do they just don’t have anything of any real substance to say! Show me that you actually spent 1 minute thinking about what you say before you say it by getting specific and not just offering generic statements.

OK I think I have to go stick a knife in my chest to make sure I am still alive! Just kidding!

As some of you may know, I started doing the jenny Craig program back in August and so far I have lost 20lbs. I love this program, not just because it has started to work for me right away, but because it offers me the structure I need in order to get started learning how to eat properly. Every week I get a call from Laura at Jenny Craig. Laura has an amazing energy and every week when she calls she only offers encouragement, never judgment. Believe me I am far from perfect at this and she has a real “ok well what are we going to be doing this week?” approach to everything. I like this. It’s what I do with the people I work with – focus on the solution and keep moving forward.

So one of the by-products of this is that I have been eating a TON of apples. I have apples coming out of my.. well never mind that part I never realized how many different kinds of apples there are and how many of them I really love to eat. I used to only eat Granny Smith Apples. Now I like Fuji Apples, McIntosh Apples, Gala Apples, Delicious Apples and so many more. I have found that some apples are easy to bite into and others are a little tougher. Granny Smith apples in fact happen to be a little tougher. I’ve also noticed that the bigger apples seem to be easier to bit into and also sweeter and juicier.

The diet plan I am on has a bunch of fruit integrated into it and I can have a little extra if I need a snack, so what I have been doing each day is counting the number of fruits I am allowed at the beginning of the day and setting them aside or taking them with me. This way any time I want a snack I just grab an apple. It seems to amount to about 2-4 fruits per day. So to answer the question above..

I Love Them Apples!

Do you love apples? What kind do you like?

I found a great website called All About Apples

It’s true we cannot literally fly. We will never be able to jump off of a building without a parachute or some other device designed to aid us. It is also true that we know what it feels like to fly. We’ve been on roller coasters, we’ve jumped off of diving boards at great heights knowing we would land in the pool below. So we are familiar with the feeling of flying and I can tell you from firsthand experience that I know what its like to get this same feeling just based on watching my life transform into miracles right in front of me. I can also tell you that this doesn’t happen over night and it doesn’t get noticed unless I am paying attention. The greatest miracle I experience is getting to recognize the miracles in my life. So how do I learn to fly in life? In business? I start by recognizing that I don’t and cannot do this alone. I have a power inside of me that is greater than my own power and if I want to learn to fly I need to learn to rely entirely on that power. A lot of my success is based on my ability to let go.  I have to do the footwork, but then I need to let go and leave the results up to the universe, or G-d if you wish. I have many people in my life that I depend on and I am very clear that there are certain people that I depend on for certain things. I look for the people who are successful in an area where I want to be successful and I look to get their guidance. If that is not realistic then I watch what they do and I learn as much as I can from them. I have heard it so many time from so many people. If you want what someone else has, reach out to them and ask them for help. Most people will be flattered and happy to help.

What I have found is that when I learn to rely on the guidance and help of others then things just go better. Also, when I very literally do this by handing work out to others it is now working both ways. They are helping me by doing the work for me (because I can only do so much) and I am helping them by giving them work which enables them to make a living. I have most recently noticed that when I do this as an act of faith that I will still have plenty of work to do on my own, I get exactly what I need. Even better I find that the new work that comes in tends to be more of the type of work I really enjoy. In my specific case the more creative stuff. When I have faith in The Universe it sends a message. I might act one way when I “think” things will work out, but when I have no doubt in my mind that I will always get exactly what I need and all I have to do is the footwork, it always works out. I act differently when I have that certainty and that certainty is exactly what is needed to bring about the reaction I want from The universe. It is only when I am truly willing to rely completely on this power inside of me that I will have that certainty. When I am successful I wake up in the morning and all throughout my day I have that feeling like I am feeling right now as I am typing this. That feeling like I am flying. The words are flowing and my fingers are moving on the keyboard without me having to look a the keyboard to see where the keys are. This is what I mean when I talk about learning to fly. It is learning to get that feeling that life is in motion and it is happening not around me, but because of me. I am creating my universe and creating my reality because I no longer have any fear about what I can accomplish. I have a power within me that enables me to accomplish anything I set my mind to.

This is a powerful feeling especially when you start to wake up every day and realize that you are feeling it, experiencing it, and really living it. I have spent  months, maybe it’s fair to say years (one or two) trying to get to a place where I could actually see people attending my live webinars. People are so bombarded with stuff especially on the internet that it is difficult to get people to give up their time, even when it is free. Now I am seeing it happen. People are responding and attending my webinars. Sometimes they are even paying for them! So it is possible to get anything done that you want to, but you must learn to rely on a power greater than yourself that lies within yourself, and in my experience none of us ever does this on our own. We enlist the help of the people that we bring into our lives – the people in our communities and they do help us. They offer guidance, referrals, and inspiration. If everyone simply ignored us, we would likely get discouraged and give up. The other thing is that it is so important to stay humble. No matter how successful I become I need to remember that my success is not mine alone. It is shared with the powers that I have described above. More on that later..

The first time I met Jason Feldman had to be when I was about 16. I can’t say for sure exactly where or when, but I can say that it was at a USY event. For those who may read this and don’t know, USY stands for United Synagogue Youth. A youth organization I belonged to along with 1000′s of other kids around the country. I was fortunate to have met many of them . Each synagogue has a chapter. Then there were divisions covering certain geographic regions and consisting of many chapters, and then regions consisting of the collective divisions. We would have events at every level so those of us who got really involved got to meet and become very close with other Jewish kids from all around the state. Then I would go on teen tours where I got to meet USYers from all over the country. There was also an international convention held every year. I was able to attend one of those.

I know I originally met Jason at one of the local events. A dance most likely. I am also certain even though I don’t have an independent recollection of meeting him,  that within the first few minutes of meeting him I was on the floor laughing. Jason was that sort of guy. Over the years he was one of those guys I always looked forward to being around because I always knew I was going to laugh a lot. We had a lot of good times together. Then at some point after high school, when USY was no longer an active part of my life I drifted away from him for a while.

Next about 2 years after high school I was studying to take the Series 7 exam. I had dropped out of school (SUNY Farmingdale) and worked at a firm based in Hauppauge, NY. One night when I came home from the library after studying my mother told me that I got a message from someone she didn’t know or recognize. She said she thought his name was Jason. I didn’t recognize the number but I called back and it was Jason Feldman. Once I realized who it was I was so excited that I invited him to come by right away and he did. He picked me up and as I got into his car I noticed the exact same series 7 exam books  that I was using in the back seat of his car. I thought this was too weird but as it turns out he was doing the exact same thing. From that day on we spent just about every night  studying and talking about all of our dreams! How much money we were going to make. Coming up with ideas for ways to pitch people and as always laughing our asses off!

Eventually we both passed the Series 7 exam and we were off and running. We were still at separate firms but eventually I went to work at the same firm as Jason. Then shortly after that I had to leave. I had something from my own past come up that prevented me from being able to work in the brokerage business. I still hung around with Jason and the other guys from that firm in my off time. We had some crazy times in those days going out and raising hell! During that time Jay started dating Kami. It was clear pretty quickly that he was in love with her.

We drifted apart again. I went back to school and got my accounting degree and he was busy as far as I knew on his way to making millions as a stockbroker. It wasn’t until a number of years later that I saw Jason again. It was when I created the first USY Reunion site and it went viral. Within a few short months the site went from the original 5 people I knew how to track down to about 350 former USYers. This was before there was Facebook and JUST before MySpace and Friendster. Jason was among the early members and as soon as I saw his submission come in I got in touch with him immediately. Of course it was like no time had gone by and of course we were laughing a lot. He was no longer in the brokerage business and I was clean for almost 3 years after 3 rehabs. Jason was making his way in a world after Wall St. We were in touch from that point until probably about a year or so ago and for the first time since we were 16 I started to see a serious side to him. He talked to me about how much he loved his family. How much he loved his kids. All he wanted to do was provide a great life for Kami and his kids. Jason would call me, sometimes really late at night knowing that I would be up since I was 3 hours behind in California. We would have serious talks and it was great to see this side of him. To know that he had it in him and that aside from all of the joking around there was also the serious family man. Even when the tone of the conversation was serious we still always laughed. That’s Jason. You just don’t ever have a conversation with him without laughing. I read on Jason’s Facebook page tonight (the night I am actually writing this 12/9/10) that Jason’s gift to the world was laughter. It’s true. And he was amazingly gifted at it. All you have to do is look at pictures of him to see that he had that funny demeanor. That there was some amusing thought stirring in his mind.

When I stopped hearing from Jay as often as I was for a while, maybe about a year ago I assumed everything was OK. I think the last time I heard from him he called to tell me that he started a new job and of course I was happy for him. He sounded happy. For better or worse that happens with me a lot – when I don’t hear from someone it usually means they are doing ok. That seems to be my gift. People come to me for help when they need it and I am happy to give it wherever I can. Usually it’s just in the form of someone to talk to.

The news of Jason’s passing came as a shock of course. I couldn’t believe it. Then I went to his Facebook page and sure enough the messages were already being posted. Like many people have said I can’t believe that I can’t just pick up the phone, call him and have a laugh with him. I can hear his voice in my mind right now. I can hear him laughing and I know he’s up in heaven now trying to figure out how he can make us all laugh from where he is.

Jason lives on through all of us. In our hears and the memories we have of him. Luckily we have the internet to preserve and perpetuate all of the memories and pictures. My goal now is to hold another USY Reunion. I only saw Jason once after that when he was visiting in California with his family and I met up with them briefly. So in one year from now I want to have another USY reunion and I want to dedicate it to his memory. I also understand from our mutual friend, Alice that Jason’s family would like for people to donate to the American Heart Association in Jason Eric Feldman’s name.

Here is the link where you can go to make a “Memorial Donation“.

I think Freud was wrong. I don’t think insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. I think true insanity is doing something knowing full well the outcome will be bad and then doing it anyway. That’s insane. That’s addiction. And that is about 1000 forms of acting out that many of us do in order to escape even though we have plenty of experience to show us that in the end we are hurting ourselves and helping no one.

In my previous entry on this topic (entitled “Clean”) I finished off by talking about the powerlessness that whether we want to admit or not, we have no control over other people, places, and things. Of course I am not the first person to point this out and I won’t be the last. I learned this from others and i will continue to pass it on to other because I have seen the benefits that come with truly understanding this principle for living. It is a basic truth. You can dispute it, but you are deluding yourself if you do. It’s like saying 1 + 1 does not really equal 2! Then I come to a place in my experience that I realize, even if I could, why would I want to spend my life controlling others when I have myself to focus on? There is so much I can do for myself when I am focusing on that instead of trying to change other people whom I am certain would prefer not to be changed by me in the first place. How many people get into relationships with others thinking they can change the other person. Mold them into whomever they think their partner “ought” to be. Of course “ought” is a very big word filled with a world of implications that I really don’t even want to get into.

Here’s the core issue on Step 2 of AA’s twelve steps. Most of us are basically defiant. We do not like to be told what to do and we certainly do not like to be told how to do it. Do you see the irony here given what I’ve just laid out in the previous Paragraph? I want to tell others how they should be, but I do not like to be told that myself! So what am I looking for really? A Power greater than myself. Greater than any human power. I have to be willing to believe that there is a power within me that is infinitely greater than any obstacle that will ever be placed in front of me. That’s the power I want for myself. That is the power that enables me to move way past the behaviors and actions of other people and way into my own behaviors and actions. When I am treating people well life will go well. Not everyone will respond in kind, but all I have to do is believe in this power and know that the way others treat me is entirely a reflection of who THEY are and not whom I am. With this knowledge securely in place it bothers me less and less when others act like idiots and I feel better and better as I realize that one, I don’t have to act that way, and two I don’t need to allow people like that into my life. I can simply move around them in life and keep moving forward. This is not arrogance nor is it intolerance. It is simply a matter of choice that I am very much entitled to make that I do not need to be around negative people.

In the business world this translates very simply. As long as I am working for someone else I am somewhat, if not extremely limited here. I may in fact be forcibly subjected to people I would prefer not to be around because someone else has seen fit to hire them. The illusion is that I am stuck there. The reality is that it is my choice if I want to stay in that environment or move on and begin to create my own. I chose to create my own and I would be lying if I said it wasn’t scary, but I would also be lying if I said it wasn’t the second best decision I have ever made in my life. the first was choosing to get clean. In making that choice I had to go through this process, which included coming to believe in a power greater than any human power in order to be restored to sanity. Now let’s face it. If I have lived past the age of 30 and haven’t lived in a bubble then we’ve all experienced some form of trauma or another in our lives. In some cases we have been embittered by those experiences. Others were intuitively better able to handle these situations, but one thing that I believe is universally true is that we ALL engage in behaviors that can be self destructive when we are having any kind of bad experience. In other words we all do things to act out when we experience our very human lack of power. Maybe we over eat, or we over indulge in sexual activity. In some way shape or form we grab onto these crutches in order to escape things that make us feel uncomfortable. Maybe we work obsessively – burying ourselves in it to avoid the rest of the world. These are all examples of things we do when we are confronted with our lack of power. Lack of power is human. Power is super human. So when I tap into a power greater than any human power, what does that make me? You guessed it. I can be super human as long as I recognize that I need help in order to be super human. No this doesn’t mean I can leap tall buildings in a single bound, it simply means I can accomplish anything I want to in this life so long as what I want to accomplish conforms to the basic laws of physics. But I never do anything alone. I need help. I need people, and I need a power greater than any human power. Some people call that power G-d. If that word bothers you, call it “The Universe.”

I was recently looking at the fact that I was putting in SO many hours at work that I wasn’t doing anything fun. I wasn’t doing anything to relax. I also realized something else. By putting in so many hours what does that say about how much faith I have in The Universe to bring about the things and events that I have asked for in life? It shows a lack of faith. It sends a message that says “I don’t expect you to do this for me”. So I backed off. Even though I have had some months in the past year where it was difficult to bring in enough to pay my mortgage without going into my savings much less accumulate more savings which is what we are all supposed to be doing. I took a leap of faith and backed off of work. In fact I committed to a substantial expense joining the Jenny Craig program and at the same time I committed to my wife that I was going to stop working by 6-7pm each night. I followed through on this and amazingly enough I found myself getting in more business. But how was I to take this on when I was committing to work fewer hours? Simple, I had to leverage my time by giving the work to other Nerds. I have had them around, waiting to get work from me. I just had to let go and allow some other people into my world so I could give them the work. This now sends a message to The Universe that I I going to use what you give me to help others and I am going to trust that you will keep giving me what I need in order that I can keep helping others. The work has been flowing in at what really seems to be just the right pace and during this time I got my first new client interested in my consultation for the purposes of helping her with her own social media campaign. Something that in the back of my mind I have really been wanting to do. I enjoy it much more than the accounting at this point. Even in the accounting arena I would much rather be writing financial blogs and recording QuickBooks videos than booking journal entries. I still also really enjoy training. I love the satisfaction I get when I sit with someone and teach them how to do something and I get to see the satisfaction in their eyes as they light up with enthusiasm because they JUST GOT IT!  This is what I love. So by backing off and trusting in G-d (or The Universe) I got more by doing less. Of course that only works when you’re already doing a LOT or as in my case, doing too much. If you are sitting on your ass and doing nothing to create the life you want for yourself I assure you that The Universe will respond to that with exactly what you are asking for. Nothing.

We all have to do our part and the whole key here is finding that balance between my part and G-d’s

Seems like I am about as clean as I’ve ever been. Almost 11 and a half years ago to this day I stopped all drugs and alcohol consumption. Not because I decided I didn’t want to do it anymore but because I was certain I was going to kill myself if I continued. All these years later and with a great deal of hard work I am as clean as I’ve ever been. You might think after all of this time I was really good at handling situations. I am definitely better, but I know I still have a long way to go. When I no longer lose sleep over things other people do and say then I will say with more confidence that I have really achieved what I had hoped beyond just getting off drugs and alcohol. Don’t get me wrong – I have accomplished much in my recovery.

I sit in AA and CA meetings, at least one/week and listen to many theories people have about why people get loaded and what they need to do to get and most importantly stay clean. Looking back now I realize it is so simple. I got loaded because I liked the effect produced, and then eventually to overcome an obsession so powerful that all the willpower in the world couldn’t stop me from getting the next one. Then the solution was also simple. AA provides us with a book called “Alcoholics Anonymous”. That book states it very clearly, “To show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book.” So the answer very simply is in that book. Not in what someone says at a meeting and definitely not in the things people say in casual conversation before and after meetings. There is but one way to recover from alcoholism and drug addiction. Find someone else who’s done it and have them take you through that book.

I just went through the process again recently. It’s good to do a thorough house cleaning once in a while. You are shocked to find out how much “stuff” you bring up when you take a good look at what’s going on inside yourself. Ultimately the most powerful realization I’ve had so far is that the solution to every problem, no matter “who” might have caused it, is within me. I’m sure it was no coincidence that just as I was finishing up this process I find myself in a situation that resulted in my feeling the most rage at one time that I have felt in my entire 11 years of sobriety so far. The solution did not in any way involve the other person. I didn’t need to talk with him, or sort it out with him in any way. I had to simply sit quietly with G-d. I prayed and meditated for about an hour on this. Next thing I realized was that the whole situation had just brought me closer with the power within me that is infinitely greater than any obstacle that will ever be placed in front of me. Once that became clear I realized I had the best attorney in the universe. The situation was one that could potentially mean winding up in court with someone. Once I had my presence of mind about me I was able to take the direction I needed from my attorney and respond in the manner he suggested instead of the way I wanted to.

So yes, I am about as clean as I’ve ever been. That doesn’t mean I don’t have difficulty dealing with certain situations. It means there are fewer situations that present difficulty and as far as those go, I know at least enough now to ask for help and guidance from my mentors. That is really the key to living life for me today – having people in my life that I can go to for guidance and for me there are many. This has been a tremendous help to me in business as well as in my personal life, which of course if you know me then you know that for me it is all pretty well integrated. There is not much distinction for me because I tend to bring all of me into everything I do. Sometimes a lot of “what if” scenarios can enter my mind. I know it is really pointless to go into that, but I am frequently entertained by it. What if I never did drugs? What if I had properly pursued my passion as a kid, which really was computer programming, gone to MIT, become a programming architect, made $100,000,000 and never bothered to try and impress anything upon other people as I had done by going out of my way to be different and ultimately getting into drugs which I was originally very afraid to do. I have to say I really did go against my own grain on that one. I practically forced myself past the fear of it because I wanted so badly to either fit in or not care that I didn’t. So I wonder if I didn’t really screw myself up?! Whether I did or didn’t is really no matter and if there is one thing I have learned now it is that I really need to accept that whatever happened and however it happened is exactly what was meant to be. I had to go through everything that I went through in order to get to where I am and ultimately today I like myself. In fact I LOVE myself today – I can honestly say that, in a healthy way, not in an egotistical way. If anything knowing that tells me I probably would not have been happy had I gone the MIT route. I probably would have been a real introvert going through life wondering about and wishing I had a life where I was more socially acceptable.

I have been working with a few guys now, going through the steps. We examine Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over Alcohol (or drugs), that our lives had become unmanageable. Most of the emphasis in the book, Alcoholics Anonymous seems to be on the powerless part. Perhaps that’s because the un-manageability is easy to see. We lose jobs, friends, and most of all we lose ourselves. That is to say I know I often wondered what the hell happened to me and where the hell the “real” me went. I wanted me back more than anyone and I couldn’t begin to figure out where to go do accomplish this. So I have been spending a lot of time with these guys looking at the powerless part. What makes me powerless? Well initially it seems simple. Once I start getting loaded there is no telling when, where, and if I will stop. So far so good. So it seems to be a physical craving that is at the root of the problems. I can tell many stories about how I would be high for several days straight and want to stop but just couldn’t bring myself to do it. When you are coming down, especially from coke, you HAVE to have more because the feeling of crashing is so incredibly miserable. So the answer would seem to be to just not take the first hit or drink. That’s where we get to look at the mental obsession.

The Freudian definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results, but the real insanity of addiction is doing the same thing knowing EXACTLY what is going to happen and doing it anyway! So why when I am several weeks off of drugs and alcohol – stone cold sober and no longer suffering the effects of the physical craving do I take the very first one? Why after all of the experience that shows me I will not make it to work, I will lose friends and loved ones who are sick and tired of seeing me screw up when I have so much potential, why do I take that first one? It’s a mental obsession and it has nothing to do with will power. Believe me I exercised plenty of will power in other areas of my life. A mental obsession is a thought that crowds out all other thoughts. I would be driving to the dealer in my car by myself and talking out loud saying, “Seth just turn the car around and go home you know you shouldn’t be doing this?” but the thought of getting high would immediately crowd that thought and as much as I knew what I “should” do I was powerless to do it. Anybody who has experienced addiction knows what I am talking about here. Anybody who hasn’t cannot possibly understand or relate. They tell you it’s “just willpower”. Funny how people who have no direct personal experience with something will feel so sure that they just know.

When I first got clean I was clearly powerless over alcohol and drugs and the effect they had on me. As I stayed clean I learned that the Drugs and alcohol were really just a temporary solution which stopped working on a much bigger problem. Me. So now 11.5 years clean I have learned that there are so many other things I am powerless over. Other people, places and things. In fact the only thing in this life I have any real power over is myself and my reactions to things. Any other ideas I get about people and things I have power over is just an illusion. I may think I can intimidate people into doing what I want and it may even look like it’s working but the stark reality of every single situation resembling this picture is that the only reason it appears that I have power over another person is that they have not yet gotten sick enough of me to tell me to go fuck myself. As soon as they do my so called power is gone. That works the other way too. As soon as I get tired of a “bully” all I need to do is tell them to go fuck themselves and I’ve just taken their power away.

So the admission of powerlessness in step 1 of AA’s twelve steps goes way beyond just recognizing the hold that drugs and alcohol have over me. When I realize that I really don’t have enough power on my own to get through this life a happy and useful person, then I am ready to move forward and begin recognizing that I need power. Once I recognized that I need power, then I can begin my search for how and where to get it.

This goes a long way in business. I cannot control my customers and I cannot control the people I work with. I can control how I react to them. I make choices every minute of every day. So now I need to find a power greater than my own power to cope with my reactions to people, places, and things so that I can function better as an entire human in and out of the workplace and in and out of any other room in life that I step into!