I used to be a non-conformist

When I was in High School I was voted most unique my senior year. I was very proud of that. I liked the idea that I was different, that I walked to the beat of my own drum and most of all that I sent the message loud and clear that I did not care what you thought about me. Didn’t I? There was some truth to it, but the reality was that was my whole game. I wanted people to think I didn’t care what they thought because i figured that in itself would be how I would win people’s admiration. It worked. Not everybody liked me, but the ones that mattered to me did, especially back in high school. So what happened? I got so caught up in being different that I kept having to out do myself. Also no matter how much attention I got about the fact that I was different it was never enough or never from the right people. I thought I was so deep – especially as I got more and more into doing drugs. I thought the weed made me a deeper person because off all of the time I spent fascinated by the idea that our entire world and even universe might just be a spec on the shoulder of some person in some much bigger universe! I made fun of people who “conformed” because I looked down on them. Meanwhile as most of these people continued living their so called boring, normal lives I continued downward on my spiral. I was so cool I smoked myself right into oblivion. First run at college was a failure. I majored in Liberal Arts then switched to computer science and then dropped out to go work as a stockbroker, eventually working at a big firm in NYC. This was not that long after the picture you see above with my friend Audra. I cut my hair and that would be the last time I ever had it colored.

So where did it all get me? Today I am probably a conformist by most people’s standards. I don’t exactly live a normal life- I don’t work a 9-5 job, but I am certainly not the rebel I was. I am 11 years clean and I run my business and spend most of my hours working, but I love what I do so it isn’t really like work. I thought I was such a deep person in my previous life. Boy was I wrong. I saw this when I got clean and I realized I really had very little to talk about. I can remember bringing this up with my therapist and him telling me that I was actually a pretty boring person. For about 15 years of my life what it had come to was get high, listen to music, have sex, and see what I could do to make money to support those habits. Not the makings of such a fascinating person after all.

So I am involved in a thread on LinkedIn where people are talking about their favorite Google gadgets. A few nights ago someone going by the name Marla Wentworth chimes in. Self proclaimed intellectually superior she (or he – not really sure after reading a few posts) claims we are all like Robots. Conformists. She goes on to admit that she is nothing more than a drunken fool who has nothing better to do in the wee hours of the morning. So it got me thinking about being a non-conformist. She claims we don’t think for ourselves and I wonder, why? Because we all share an affinity for tools and gadgets put out there by the biggest web company in existence? Then I start thinking about this person, Marla. She talks about herself as if she is so deep (she called us all shallow) and yet her life is apparently consumed by alcohol and as she put it, she has nothing better to do! So where has all of this non-conformist crap gotten her? Same place it had me about 10 years ago I suppose. Living an empty life with nothing to talk about with people. I suppose if LinkedIn was around then I could have had the same reaction.

I am so grateful I do not have to live like that anymore and that I can actually feel sorry for someone like Marla. She seems SO unhappy and yet I am certain there would be no getting through to her to help her. Oh well. I like my “Conformist” life today. I am happy. I think that is really everyone’s ultimate goal on this planet, whether we all admit it or not, we all just want to be happy. Then it is just a matter of defining what that means! That of course is different for every one of us.

Popularity: 18% [?]