Clean
Seems like I am about as clean as I’ve ever been. Almost 11 and a half years ago to this day I stopped all drugs and alcohol consumption. Not because I decided I didn’t want to do it anymore but because I was certain I was going to kill myself if I continued. All these years later and with a great deal of hard work I am as clean as I’ve ever been. You might think after all of this time I was really good at handling situations. I am definitely better, but I know I still have a long way to go. When I no longer lose sleep over things other people do and say then I will say with more confidence that I have really achieved what I had hoped beyond just getting off drugs and alcohol. Don’t get me wrong – I have accomplished much in my recovery.
I sit in AA and CA meetings, at least one/week and listen to many theories people have about why people get loaded and what they need to do to get and most importantly stay clean. Looking back now I realize it is so simple. I got loaded because I liked the effect produced, and then eventually to overcome an obsession so powerful that all the willpower in the world couldn’t stop me from getting the next one. Then the solution was also simple. AA provides us with a book called “Alcoholics Anonymous”. That book states it very clearly, “To show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book.” So the answer very simply is in that book. Not in what someone says at a meeting and definitely not in the things people say in casual conversation before and after meetings. There is but one way to recover from alcoholism and drug addiction. Find someone else who’s done it and have them take you through that book.
I just went through the process again recently. It’s good to do a thorough house cleaning once in a while. You are shocked to find out how much “stuff” you bring up when you take a good look at what’s going on inside yourself. Ultimately the most powerful realization I’ve had so far is that the solution to every problem, no matter “who” might have caused it, is within me. I’m sure it was no coincidence that just as I was finishing up this process I find myself in a situation that resulted in my feeling the most rage at one time that I have felt in my entire 11 years of sobriety so far. The solution did not in any way involve the other person. I didn’t need to talk with him, or sort it out with him in any way. I had to simply sit quietly with G-d. I prayed and meditated for about an hour on this. Next thing I realized was that the whole situation had just brought me closer with the power within me that is infinitely greater than any obstacle that will ever be placed in front of me. Once that became clear I realized I had the best attorney in the universe. The situation was one that could potentially mean winding up in court with someone. Once I had my presence of mind about me I was able to take the direction I needed from my attorney and respond in the manner he suggested instead of the way I wanted to.
So yes, I am about as clean as I’ve ever been. That doesn’t mean I don’t have difficulty dealing with certain situations. It means there are fewer situations that present difficulty and as far as those go, I know at least enough now to ask for help and guidance from my mentors. That is really the key to living life for me today – having people in my life that I can go to for guidance and for me there are many. This has been a tremendous help to me in business as well as in my personal life, which of course if you know me then you know that for me it is all pretty well integrated. There is not much distinction for me because I tend to bring all of me into everything I do. Sometimes a lot of “what if” scenarios can enter my mind. I know it is really pointless to go into that, but I am frequently entertained by it. What if I never did drugs? What if I had properly pursued my passion as a kid, which really was computer programming, gone to MIT, become a programming architect, made $100,000,000 and never bothered to try and impress anything upon other people as I had done by going out of my way to be different and ultimately getting into drugs which I was originally very afraid to do. I have to say I really did go against my own grain on that one. I practically forced myself past the fear of it because I wanted so badly to either fit in or not care that I didn’t. So I wonder if I didn’t really screw myself up?! Whether I did or didn’t is really no matter and if there is one thing I have learned now it is that I really need to accept that whatever happened and however it happened is exactly what was meant to be. I had to go through everything that I went through in order to get to where I am and ultimately today I like myself. In fact I LOVE myself today – I can honestly say that, in a healthy way, not in an egotistical way. If anything knowing that tells me I probably would not have been happy had I gone the MIT route. I probably would have been a real introvert going through life wondering about and wishing I had a life where I was more socially acceptable.
I have been working with a few guys now, going through the steps. We examine Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over Alcohol (or drugs), that our lives had become unmanageable. Most of the emphasis in the book, Alcoholics Anonymous seems to be on the powerless part. Perhaps that’s because the un-manageability is easy to see. We lose jobs, friends, and most of all we lose ourselves. That is to say I know I often wondered what the hell happened to me and where the hell the “real” me went. I wanted me back more than anyone and I couldn’t begin to figure out where to go do accomplish this. So I have been spending a lot of time with these guys looking at the powerless part. What makes me powerless? Well initially it seems simple. Once I start getting loaded there is no telling when, where, and if I will stop. So far so good. So it seems to be a physical craving that is at the root of the problems. I can tell many stories about how I would be high for several days straight and want to stop but just couldn’t bring myself to do it. When you are coming down, especially from coke, you HAVE to have more because the feeling of crashing is so incredibly miserable. So the answer would seem to be to just not take the first hit or drink. That’s where we get to look at the mental obsession.
The Freudian definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results, but the real insanity of addiction is doing the same thing knowing EXACTLY what is going to happen and doing it anyway! So why when I am several weeks off of drugs and alcohol – stone cold sober and no longer suffering the effects of the physical craving do I take the very first one? Why after all of the experience that shows me I will not make it to work, I will lose friends and loved ones who are sick and tired of seeing me screw up when I have so much potential, why do I take that first one? It’s a mental obsession and it has nothing to do with will power. Believe me I exercised plenty of will power in other areas of my life. A mental obsession is a thought that crowds out all other thoughts. I would be driving to the dealer in my car by myself and talking out loud saying, “Seth just turn the car around and go home you know you shouldn’t be doing this?” but the thought of getting high would immediately crowd that thought and as much as I knew what I “should” do I was powerless to do it. Anybody who has experienced addiction knows what I am talking about here. Anybody who hasn’t cannot possibly understand or relate. They tell you it’s “just willpower”. Funny how people who have no direct personal experience with something will feel so sure that they just know.
When I first got clean I was clearly powerless over alcohol and drugs and the effect they had on me. As I stayed clean I learned that the Drugs and alcohol were really just a temporary solution which stopped working on a much bigger problem. Me. So now 11.5 years clean I have learned that there are so many other things I am powerless over. Other people, places and things. In fact the only thing in this life I have any real power over is myself and my reactions to things. Any other ideas I get about people and things I have power over is just an illusion. I may think I can intimidate people into doing what I want and it may even look like it’s working but the stark reality of every single situation resembling this picture is that the only reason it appears that I have power over another person is that they have not yet gotten sick enough of me to tell me to go fuck myself. As soon as they do my so called power is gone. That works the other way too. As soon as I get tired of a “bully” all I need to do is tell them to go fuck themselves and I’ve just taken their power away.
So the admission of powerlessness in step 1 of AA’s twelve steps goes way beyond just recognizing the hold that drugs and alcohol have over me. When I realize that I really don’t have enough power on my own to get through this life a happy and useful person, then I am ready to move forward and begin recognizing that I need power. Once I recognized that I need power, then I can begin my search for how and where to get it.
This goes a long way in business. I cannot control my customers and I cannot control the people I work with. I can control how I react to them. I make choices every minute of every day. So now I need to find a power greater than my own power to cope with my reactions to people, places, and things so that I can function better as an entire human in and out of the workplace and in and out of any other room in life that I step into!
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