These are 2 phrases that are often misused, thrown around too lightly, but worst of all these are two phrases we all too often come to EXPECT from people. When we have expectations we set ourselves up for disappointment.
Thank You!
The typical scenario – we do something nice for someone. If we truly, genuinely are doing it because we want to, then it doesn’t matter whether or not someone says “Thank You”. If we really don’t expect the “Thank You” then we can’t possibly be disappointed when we don’t get it. Otherwise what it amounts to is that we were really doing the “nice thing” and expecting something in return for it. Our intention whether conscious or not was to indebt the person whom we helped. Maybe not with money, but even expecting the “Thank You” is expecting something.
I’m Sorry
Here we come to expect someone to apologize when it becomes apparent that they have screwed up! We want to make them pay for their mistake with at the very least an apology. This is better known as resentment on our part when we want this. Simply put it is arrogant of us to come to expect an apology and we may never get it, even if we truly deserve it. The person who “owes” it may be too embarrassed or caught up in their own pride. That’s their issue. Ours is to deal with the resentment we are feeling because WE are the ones feeling it so we are the ones who have to find a way to deal with it and we have to assume we will never get that apology that we may think is the cure.
It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.
Bill Wilson – 12 Steps and 12 Traditions
You get what you pay for
Think about it. Is it really worth anything if you manage to force and apology or a thank you out of someone? The quote above is literally true. If I am upset with someone, no matter how wrong they might be I am the one with the problem because I am the one who’s upset. So I am the one who needs to do something about it. I can try and force a “Thank You” or an apology out of someone but that is really trying to control someone else. The sooner I recognize that I can’t control others the closer I am to a solution that will work for me without the need for any behavior from others. Now I can take responsibility, not for what THEY did or didn’t do, but for how I am feeling about it. There is a place where I do have control – in how I choose to react. Now I have the power within myself to act appropriately and find whatever way I can find from within to rid myself of this resentment I have. Otherwise the result will likely be that I will cause harm to the other person (and then I will owe THEM an apology) when I publicly ostracize them for not doing what they “should” have. Who says they “should?” Maybe they shouldn’t? Maybe they didn’t want my help? Maybe I wasn’t the right person to help them with that particular thing and maybe I was only trying to make myself look good instead of actually trying to help the person. So when I think anyone “should” do anything then I am really coming from a place of arrogance. Instead my solution is to come from a place of humility. Act in service of others by genuinely looking for ways to help people without expecting anything in return. Then I can keep moving forward knowing that I am doing MY part to make the world around me a better place to live in –especially for those who come into contact with me because they will not have to live in fear of when I might call them out for not doing what they should. That’s the kind of behavior that actually can have a person living a life apart from others. For me I want to be a part OF others.
So drop your expectations about when someone should say thank you or I’m sorry. Just make sure that YOU say these things and most importantly mean them when you do and don’t worry about what others do or don’t do. Your life will run along much more smoothly when you live this way. Trust me mine does when I remember this.
I try and be polite wherever I go. However, I understand your objections.